(As lights fade up, Barry and Darren cross from right to left. They are in mid- conversation.)
Barry: So, just follow my lead, and all will be hunky-dory, Rory.
Darren: Listen I m not gonna do this. You go ahead.
Barry: (Overlapping.) No, no, no. come on, Raymon! You can t back out now. You have an obligation. I can t take out two chixx at once. I mean, it wouldn t be fair. We gotta keep things even, Steven.
Darren: I m just not feeling up to this.
Barry: You mean you can t rise to the occasion? We all go through that. I mean, uh, you all go through that.
Darren: No, I mean I m just gonna go home. Watch a movie.
Barry: Hey, hey! No. Okay?
Darren: (After a pause.) Okay, fine.
Barry: Great! You won t regret it. It ll be a piece of cake, Jake.
(He pulls out a fake flower, checks his breath and hair and straightens his tie.)
Barry: Ready, Teddy?
Darren: I guess.
Barry: You re gonna love this, trust me. I know you, Lou. (Knocking on the door.) K-nock, k-nock!
(The chixx, Janine and Elaine enter.)
Janine: They re here! Are you ready?
Elaine: Now you promised me you weren t fixing me up with another loser.
Janine: you haven t even met him yet. Trust me, okay.
(She opens the door.)
Janine: Look, Elaine, men!
Barry: Look, Darren, chixx!
Janine: Come in, come in!
Darren: Janine, Elaine, this is Barry.
Barry: Char-mayed.
Janine: (Whispering) He knows French!
Elaine: I m Elaine. I guess we ll be dating tonight.
Barry: Well, hello, Belle-o.
Elaine: Belle-o?
Darren: Maybe we should go.
Janine: Where are you Luscious Jackson s taking us?
Barry: The Steak Tree. (To Elaine.) Isn t that romantic?
Elaine: I don t eat meat.
Barry: You can pick the meat out.
Elaine: How romantic.
(John enters, he wears finger cymbals and claps his hands.)
John: Entrez-nous, s il-vous plait.
Barry: See, they clap. That s a mark of class.
(They are led to a table down right.)
Darren: Is this okay?
Janine: Anything you want. I m here to serve you.
(To demonstrate, she pulls his chair out.)
Darren: Thanks. Um
(He sits and she pushes the chair in.)
Darren: You really don t have to do that.
Janine: Oh, but I do. Elaine?
(She points to the chair. Elaine grudgingly obliges.)
Barry: So sweet-ah, Rita.
Elaine: Stop that.
Darren: Don t you girls need chairs?
Janine: We don t need to sit.
Darren: You can have my seat.
Janine: (Overlapping.) Nonsense, sit down. We re just fine. Right, Elaine?
(Elaine is standing behind Barry, who is taller than she.)
Elaine: Just admiring the view.
Janine: (Laughing.) Oh, Elaine. Come here.
Darren: Is something wrong?
Barry: Guess I m too tall, Paul.
(Janine drags Elaine center.)
Janine: What did I tell you? You are treading on thin ice. I told you, mind your manners, no smart remarks, no complaining.
Elaine: You told me he wasn t a loser. Guess what? He is, Liz!
Janine: Stop being selfish. It s not just your reputation you re hurting here. Now, I m trying my damnedest to look good for Darren.
Elaine: Loser, Janine. He is a loser.
Janine: Do you want to get paid or not?
Elaine: (After a brief pause.) Fine. But we better not have to put up with this much longer.
(They return to the table, where John is taking their order.)
John: What will all of these peoples be having these evenings?
Darren: What do you recommend?
John: For the men, I would say the steaks are the best in the places.
Darren: Sounds great. I ll have that.
John: And for the chixx?
Janine: (After a pause.) Aren t you going to order for me?
Darren: What do you want?
Janine: You decide.
Darren: What do you like?
Janine: You decide.
Darren: Can we have a minute?
John: Certainly, sirs.
Barry: And bring us your finest wine while you re up.
John: Chateau Velour is coming to you in a matter of one minutes.
(He rings his cymbals.)
Barry: Ain t that guy a kick, Rick?
Darren: So, Janine, what do you do?
Janine: I work for Ribald and Witte.
Darren: Sounds cushy. Clerical work?
Janine: Sort of. I m a paperweight.
(John begins playing a rhythm on the bongos.)
Janine: Darren! Our song!
(She pulls him out center and begins dancing wildly, vibrating her entire body and encircling Darren, who looks uncomfortable the whole time. Janine shoots a glance at Elaine, who does a lackluster copy of the routine for Barry. When they stop, they are at the door to the chixx house.)
Janine: So, I had a real great time.
Barry: Yeah, it was great, Kate.
Darren: So, I guess there s the little matter of money. (He reaches for his wallet.)
Janine: No. Don t bother. (She gets close to him.) Tonight was special. On the house. (She leans in slowly to kiss him, then stops.) What are you waiting for?
Darren: Huh?
Janine: Come on, stop me. You re supposed to insist on giving me the money now. Don t you remember? We ve only been doing this for six months now. Jesus!
Darren: Sorry, sorry. (He pays her.)
Janine: Hey, nice tip. Thanks, Darren. We ll have to do this again sometime.
(She kisses him lightly on the cheek and goes into her house.)
Barry: What about you, babe?
Elaine: What now?
Barry: Do I get a little sugar Sugar?
Elaine: Please leave me alone.
Barry: We could do that, too.
(She exits as well.)
Barry: I don t know about you, but I almost got some.
Darren: Lucky you.
Barry: It s not luck, Chuck. It s skill, Phil. And I got it coming out of my fingers.
Darren: Yeah, you got something coming out of your nose, too.
Barry: I wha- Hey, that s not funny!
(Darren exits.)
Barry: Come on, now, don t mess with a guy s head like that.
(He exits as well. Blackout.)
"Chixx, Part One: the Furry with the Syringe on Top" debuted February 18, 2000, performed by the hugely talented Aprille Clarke, Sheila Franklin, Arlen Lawson, Chris Stangl and Mark Hansen as the silly waiter.
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