Happily Ever Upon a Time
By:  Aaron Galbraith


Theodore and Alvin are standing down stage center
Simon lays dead on his back, up center 

THEODORE
So what's up?

ALVIN
Not a whole lot, there, captain

THEODORE
(nodding):  that's cool

ALVIN
Hey, d'you hear the national lacrosse finals are tonight?  I like
Delaware, they look like they've got a pretty strong team.  What d'ya
think?

THEODORE
Oh they're goin all the way tonight baby!  Woohooo!  They high five

ALVIN
So, any idea what the old folks are up to?

THEODORE
No.

ALVIN
You didn't talk to them?

THEODORE
Nah, I haven't seen either of them in weeks

ALVIN
Oh man, I heard about that problem you're having with your testicles
shriveling up inside your lower intestine, that's too bad.  Any chance of
them coming back out?

THEODORE
(calmly):  what the hell are you talking about?

ALVIN
Dude, I'm not sure anymore, you wanna just end this?

THEODORE
Yeah let's get outta here.
They walk up to their seats
They walk backwards from their seats to the stage

THEODORE
Yeah let's get outta here.

(they walk off the stage towards their seats, pause, then walk backwards
to their original positions on stage)

ALVIN
Dude, I'm not sure anymore, you wanna just end this?

THEODORE
What the hell are you talking about?

ALVIN
Oh man, I heard about that problem you're having with your testicles
shriveling up inside your lower intestine, that's too bad.  Any chance of
them coming back out?

THEODORE
Nah, I haven't seen either of them in weeks

ALVIN
You didn't talk to them about it?

THEODORE
No.

ALVIN
So, any idea what the folks are up to?

THEODORE
Oh they're goin all the way tonight baby!  Woohoo!  They high five

ALVIN
Hey, d'you hear the national lacrosse finals are tonight?  I like
Delaware, they look like they've got a pretty strong team.  What d'ya
think?

THEODORE
(nodding):  that's cool

ALVIN
Not a whole lot, there, captain

THEODORE
So what's up?
(They walk backwards from down center to up center)

ALVIN
(points to down center):  let's go talk over there

THEODORE
Sorry

ALVIN
Well, be more careful next time

THEODORE
It was an accident

ALVIN
Oh my god you killed him!
(Theodore and Simon proceed with a fighting scene in backwards motion, 
then get up and back away from each other)

ALVIN
Come on guys, don't fight!

SIMON
I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you!

THEODORE
Hey what's up Alvin?  Oh it's Simon!
(Theodore walks backwards towards stage left while Simon and Alvin walk
backwards towards stage right)

SIMON
(Still facing Theodore), I'm not afraid of him

ALVIN
(Also facing Theodore) uh oh, there's Theodore
(Now they turn to face each other and Theodore is completely offstage)

SIMON
(looking at an imaginary ass that is located down center):  yeah, I'd have
to say that was one of the cutest asses I've seen in quite awhile
(They walk backwards to down center)

ALVIN
It kinda stinks, but what do you expect, it is an ass

SIMON
Lets see if we can touch it.  (petting it) nice little ass.  You're a
good little ass aren't you?  Yes you are.  You cute little furry ass
(They walk backwards to their previous position stage right)

ALVIN
(pointing to the donkey down center):  hey look at that donkey!
(Pause)

SIMON
(to Jew in audience): Fuck you and your Jewish cock!

JEW
(from audience):  hey you guys can suck my fat Jewish cock!
(Pause)

SIMON
Hey let's give it a whirl

ALVIN
I was thinking we could do a really wacked out chronological sketch that
would really fuck with the audience's minds.  We could start in the
middle, proceed to the end, then backtrack through the middle where we
actually started the sketch, and then continue backwards to the beginning
of it, which would be the end of the actual sketch.

SIMON
So what do you wanna do for no shame tonight?

LIGHTS DOWN

"Happily Ever Upon a Time" debuted April 16, 1999, performed by Aaron Galbraith, James Horak, and Mike Cassady.

Performed again at Best of No Shame on Friday, April 30, 1999.

---

[Back to Library]