Lights

Aaron: Well, as many of you may know, my folks are here tonight. I think they deserve a hearty No Shame welcome. (pause for applause) I was thinking of what to perform for them and my usual material didn't quite seem right. So instead of the same old senseless, blatant vulgarity, I decided to perform a retrospective tribute to them consisting of several crucial points in my childhood that show how they shaped me into the distinguished young gentleman you see before you. I'll need Mike Cassady to play the part of my father and the lovely Sarah Greer for the part of sweet mommy.
(The actors take their places)
First I'd like to reconstruct how they taught me the trait of responsibility
(The following is performed with extra cheesy smiles and sing-song voices until it takes a disastrous turn for the worse)
Mom: Oh tweedle.
Aaron (out to audience): she called me tweedle from time to time.
Mom: Oh tweedle, did you finish your homework yet?
Aaron: not quite, but I'm hacking away at it mom.
Mom (out): he called me mom from time to time. (to Aaron) that's good shitface.
Aaron (out): she also called me shitface from time to time.
Dad (enters): Aaron!
Aaron (out): my dad didn't believe in cutesy little nicknames.
Dad: Aaron, did you finish your homework yet?
Aaron: I'm hacking away at it dad.
Dad (brutal): THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!! (he proceeds to beat the hell out of his son) THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO BE RESPONSIBLE!!
Aaron (to audience): now watch as mom and dad attempt to educate 8 year old tweedle the true story of where he came from.
Dad (nervously): Aaron...uh...Aaron...your mother needs to talk to you (exits)
Aaron: what about, mom?
Mom: Aaron, there comes a time in a young boy's life, like yours, when certain questions arise. Do you know what sex is?
Aaron: Not really.
Mom: Well, when a man and a woman love each other...
Aaron: Like you and dad.
Mom: and they want to have a beautiful sweet little angelic baby...
Aaron: Like me.
Mom: Well...(whispers soomething in Aaron's ear)
Aaron (disgusted): You mean you and dad...??
Mom: No honey, you were immaculately conceived, just like little Jesus
Aaron: Oh.
(Mom exits and Dad returns)
Aaron (to audience): And for the last of my pathetic anecdotes, I'll need Brad Smith to play the part of Skeeter.
(Brad comes down from audience and lies down motionless on stage)
Dad (slowly): Aaron, your hamster died last night.
Aaron (crying): NOOOOOOO!! (goes to hug Brad)
Dad: Now Aaron, you're going to have to let go sooner or later.
Aaron: HE WAS THE ONLY ONE I REALLY LOVED, YOU AND MOM COULD HAVE DRIVEN OFF A CLIFF FOR ALL I CARE, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! (exits)
Dad: (contemplates for a few moments, goes to Brad) Oh who am I kidding skeeter, you were the only one who held this family together. (hugs him) WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE US, WHY??!!
Aaron (returns to stage, to audience): I didn't say there was a point to that last story, or to my childhood for that matter Love ya mom and dad!

Lights

"They gave me life, I gave them strife: an ode to mom and dad" debuted April 9, 1999, performed by Aaron Galbraith, Mike Cassady, Sarah Greer and Brad Smith.

---

[Back to Library]