STUBBLE

Good evening everyone and welcome to No Shame Funeral!!!! First off, a couple of announcements- Aaron Galbraith did in fact die of a heroine overdose last Wednesday morning. He is survived by his parents Darin and Samantha, his aunt Bea, his girlfriend Billie Jean, their illegitimate bastard son Stephen, Stephen’s illegitimate bastard son Charles, and Charles’ illegitimate pet tarantula Eric. Visitation will be held in Theater B where his smelly rotting carcass currently remains, which may explain its rather potent aroma. Flowers and charitable donations for his family can be received by Arlene in the Theatre Main Office. Okay- The rules for No Shame Funeral, all eulogies must be original, under five minutes and cannot damage the space or its occupants. And now… the order for tonight’s funeral…

#1 Aaron, in the short time I’ve gotten to know you, you really have disgusted me in every way imaginable by James Horak

#2 Aaron Galbraith was the best lover I ever had or can ever hope to have by Sarah Greer

#3 Aaron, there are certain things a man can’t easily discuss with another man, or, I’m afraid your girlfriend gave me genital herpes by Mike Cassady

Everyone have a great funeral!!!!

JAMES

Aaron Galbraith. We were so much the same, but then again, we were also a lot alike. I’d only known him a few months and in that time, he made me realize the true meaning of the word love, and a couple other words, like chemical dependency, date rape, and loufa sponge. But that’s neither here nor there. Aaron’s gone now, and all we have to remember him by are the crimes he committed against his family, friends, and the rest of civilized society. He truly was an evil son of a bitch, but we can’t allow ourselves to forget what a helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent, evil son of a bitch he really was. Yeah, ol’ Aaron was one Boy Scout of a demented, sinister bastard. Whenever I was low on cash, there was Aaron, willing and ready with his sawed off shotgun, eager to shoot up whatever liquor store I suggested to help support my crack habit. One time he even helped an old lady cross the street. I’m not sure that she actually wanted to cross the street, but Aaron’s two-ton Chevy pickup had a different idea. He tried to run the frail being over, but she paced his thirty M.P.H. for a whole two blocks before he finally struck her a glancing blow, sending her airborne towards the opposite curb. I can still remember the brilliant orange flutter of that Confederate flag he had tied to his CB radio antenna as we drove off into the sunset, whooping and laughing at the bitchy expression on the senior citizen’s leathery old face. Aaron, we had some good times together. I’m gonna miss you. Especially since I got caught in a drug bust and can’t post bail.

SARAH

When Aaron first moved into my neighborhood and registered as a convicted sex offender, I have to admit, I had my doubts about him. But as I got to know him better, I realized how great a guy he really was. And the passion we shared, oh my. I can’t imagine a more physically demanding lover than Aaron was. He could go on all night like a lumberjack, a lumberjack that got up early and had twelve plates of waffles with blueberry syrup and had just gotten home from the forest after a long hard day of lumbering and…jacking. We shared so many beautiful moments together…I’m sorry, I can’t go on like this, it’s all a lie. I’m sure Aaron would have liked to be remembered this way, but it just wasn’t so. The truth is he was incredibly lousy in the sack. I’ve often compared him to a stick of Doublemint gum when it comes to stamina. Sure it’s great for a few minutes, but before too long it’s shrunk to one fourth its size, is completely limp and soggy, and has lost all its flavor. But Aaron touched me in other ways, and like me, he has touched so many others… in so many places. I’m afraid I’ve said enough.

MIKE

The words Aaron and Galbraith bring back a lot of fond memories. Unfortunately, none of them have anything to do with Aaron Galbraith. To bring back memories of my time with him, I will need to use words like unforgiving, sexually transmitted illness, and having sex with my friends’ mothers. Of course, that last one is just a figure of speech. You know. Fucking your friends mothers is a metaphor…for… you know……incest. And really, when you break down the word incest, it comes down to two key concepts. Having sex, and your family. Two totally innocent things. So why do they have to combine into something that society considers to be so hideous? First of all, I’d like to thank Aaron for not pressing charges. And, although he’s now dead, at least I made some use of him while he still maintained enough motor skills to sign the new will I had written up for him.

Aaron was a dear friend, but in many ways, he was also an enemy…..(long unnecessary pause)

I’ll never forget that day we spent together stealing things from the elderly and re-distributing it to ourselves. I got a lot of free toupees that day. And I also learned that wigs make excellent valentine’s day gifts, if any of you are still looking for last-minute ideas. Right, so, back to Aaron. In the end, I really can’t see anything that he would’ve amounted to that would’ve be any better than what he was when he died, so I guess his time had come. I mean, we all have to go sometime, right? Right? Happy Valentines day Aaron. I’ll miss you buddy.

"A No Shame Funeral" debuted February 12, 1999, under the title "Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Galbraith, I thought that was the umbilical cord".

Original Cast:
Stubble- Aaron Galbraith
James- Rocky Horak
Sarah- Sarah Greer
Mike- Mike Cassady

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