Today is my birthday

My parents didn’t even call

I dove headfirst off of my desk

And bashed my forehead against the wall

My girlfriend called me up today

To tell me it was over

So I carved her name into my chest

With an old rusty quarter

I showed up late for work today

And found out I was fired

Then I burned off my nipples

With an electric iron

I stopped by my best friend’s place

And walked in on him and my mother

So I took a picture of them

And sent it to my brother

A bird flies by

And takes a juicy shit on my face

Then I stapled my eyelids to my forehead

And sprayed myself with mace

Got a letter from grandma today

She sent me fifty dollars

So I took out the old family photo album

And masturbated to her image

I had unprotected sex last night

And got some genital sores

So I crawled down to the elevator

And shut my testicles between the doors

I had a dream last night

That I was having sex with a cheese grater

And all of a sudden I was at the Max

With Zach and A.C. Slater

I got a math test back today

And scored a seventeen percent

I would have singed off all my pubic hair

But I gave that up for lent

I had diarrhea this afternoon

And splashed it all over the place

So I scooped it up with a spatula

And rubbed it all over my face

I ran into my high school sweetheart

Didn’t have a clue what to say

So I said hey, you wanna go hit the hay?

Or lay by the bay? Maybe well just make things out of clay?

Sorry I was getting pretty desperate

I realized something new today

I enjoyed having sex with other men

So I plugged up my rectum and severed off my penis

That’ll never happen again!

My roommate had sex in my bed

Without asking my permission

I threw myself in front of a cambus

Now I’m dead, but my little sister gets free tuition

"My penis is really small" debuted November 6, 1998, performed by Aaron Galbraith.

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