Don’t Stop or We’ll Die!
By: Aaron Galbraith
Table. Two chairs occupied by two men.
PERCY
So I say: No need to whisper…he can’t hear either!
They laugh. TRIXY enters
TRIXY
For dessert we got ice cream- vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.
FRANCOIS
Do you have laryngitis?
TRIXY
No, just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry.
TRIXY exits.
Lights down. Beat. Lights up.
PERCY
So I say: voodoo cow, my ass!
They laugh a little harder. TRIXY enters
TRIXY
Our specials today are steak, chicken, and pot roast.
FRANCOIS
Do you have hemorrhoids?
TRIXY
No, just what’s on the menu.
TRIXY exits.
Lights down. Beat. Lights up.
PERCY
(laughing) So I say: Knew her? I hardly even had sex with her!
They laugh hysterically, and continue to do so for the rest of this scene. TRIXY enters
TRIXY
All right guys, I got onion rings-
FRANCOIS
(cackling) Are you a hermaphrodite?
TRIXY pauses, they continue laughing
TRIXY
(TRIXY is not sure why she is saying this) Not as…an appetizer.
TRIXY exits.
Lights down. Beat. Lights up.
PERCY
So I say-
They cannot control their laughter
TRIXY enters
TRIXY
(angry) My manager says you guys have to leave-
FRANCOIS
Oh yeah? Hey! Do you have AIDS?
TRIXY pauses, they continue laughing
TRIXY
Yes.
Their laughter gradually transforms into a guilty whimper.
TRIXY exits.
Lights down. Beat. Lights up.
PERCY is trembling with guilt
PERCY
So I say…I didn’t know it was loaded…
TRIXY enters, eyeing them cautiously
TRIXY
We got root beer, ginger ale, and sprite.
They look at each other nervously
FRANCOIS
I’ll…just have…water, thanks.
TRIXY exits.
Lights down. Beat. Lights up.
PERCY
So I say: what if I told you I loved you. Then, could you?
FRANCOIS is touched. TRIXY enters
TRIXY
That comes to eight ninety-five each.
FRANCOIS
(to TRIXY) Will you marry me?
TRIXY
No (pause) just what’s on the menu.
PERCY and FRANCOIS share a confused look.
Lights down.
"Don’t Stop or We’ll Die!" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Don’t Stop or We’ll Die!" debuted November 17, 2000.Original Cast:
Percy- Brad Smith
Trixy- Aprille Clarke
Francois- Chris Stangl
Performed at Best of No Shame on December 8, 2000.
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