Buffalo Chips Ahoy!
By: Aaron Galbraith
Lights up
BETTY
Give it to me straight, doc. Is it bad?
DR. O’SQUISHY
Bad? Bad?!?! That last sketch was bad, this is horrible!
BETTY
Oh I feared the worst! What ever is to become of me?
DR. O’SQUISHY
Well, more than likely your facial pores will erupt into a blistering mass of warts and blood clots, much resembling a topographical map of the badlands, and your limbs will begin falling off one at a time.
BETTY
Oh curses! As God is my witness, Monte Chambers will rue the day he stepped foot into my bedroom!
Lights down and up quickly
Enter CROTCHODILE HUNTER and FLEDERMAUS from opposite sides of the stage
CROTCHODILE HUNTER
Today folks, Betty and I are venturing into the badlands of South Dakota.
Enter FLEDERMAUS on hands and knees, saying "neep!"
Oh, here comes a little prairie dog. Look at the size of this little bugger! You can tell by his inflamed testicles that he’s deep in the middle of mating season. Oh yeah, this fella’s in heat all right. If you take a closer look, you’ll see that his nipples have shrunken to one tenth of their original size.
Lights down and up quickly
Exit FLEDERMAUS
Betty now has one arm tucked inside her shirt to give the effect that it has fallen off
DR. O’SQUISHY
Hi my name is Richter, I’ll be your circumseismologist this evening, and what can I get for you?
MONTE
I’ll have the bris cheese soup and…
BETTY
And I’ll have the San Andreas soufflé.
DR. O’SQUISHY
All right, I’ll be back in a moment with your drinks.
MONTE
So…
BETTY
Monte Chambers, you think you’re pretty smart don’t you?
MONTE
What?…
BETTY
Lo these many years you played me like a bass fiddle in this little game of life, and now it’s time for the sweet, sweet grotto of redemption.
MONTE
But…
BETTY
You knew damn well you were chlamydiosyphilarrhea positive the whole time we were dating and yet you continued to creep into my bedroom by nightfall, pulling the satin and wool sheets over my eyes.
Lights down and up quickly
Enter FLEDERMAUS on hands and knees saying "baah!" like sheep
CROTCHODILE HUNTER
Kroikeys! Here comes an Alaskan wool marmet! Although they’re quite venemous, they tend to be quite friendly as long as it’s light out. But come sunset, you’d do yourself best to look out!
Lights out
These little varmints can…
FLEDERMAUS begins viciously attacking CROTCHODILE HUNTER
Oh, for the love of all that’s Holy…Betty get the net…he’s out of control…
Lights up
Exit FLEDERMAUS
MONTE
Holy shit! You are out of control! Don’t go making these fucking accusations about me!
BETTY
Well, lick my titties and besmirch my name! I do believe them’s duelin’ words!
They rise to duel, Betty now hops on one leg to give the effect that it has fallen off
Monte assumes fighting stance, as Betty struggles to maintain her balance
MONTE
I’m warnin’ you honey, if you get hurt I won’t be held accountable!
He advances on her, she immediately flinches and inevitably falls over
Lights up
CROTCHODILE HUNTER
And now we find ourselves deep in the forest of the business world. This is a New York Accountant! Notice the nerdy glasses and bleak disposition. I’ve seen men have more fun passing a stone!
Accountant suddenly convulses as if passing a stone, enjoying it all the while
Ooh! There he goes Betty, look at him! He’s having a grand old time! Now, you never want to disturb them when they’re passing a stone. Don’t ever do this-
CROTCHODILE HUNTER sticks his fingers in FLEDERMAUS’s ears
FLEDERMAUS freaks out and starts thrashing CROTCHODILE HUNTER
Oh dear! It appears as if years of mindless toil in the office have led to the emotional undoing of our fine phallused friend. Betty I could use a hand! Betty?
Lights down and up quickly
Exit FLEDERMAUS and CROTCHODILE HUNTER
MONTE
You are one stone cold bitch!
BETTY
I hope you get spinal meningitis and die!
MONTE clutches his spine and falls to the floor in immense pain
MONTE
Oh God!
Enter DR. O’SQUISHY
DR. O’SQUISHY
I’m afraid it’s fatal!
He kicks MONTE in the stomach
FLEDERMAUS bolts onstage, flapping his elbows like a chicken, he attacks MONTE and begins devouring his back
Enter CROTCHODILE HUNTER with one arm inside his shirt and hopping on one leg, to give the effect of missing limbs
CROTCHODILE HUNTER
Betty, where have you been?
BETTY
Oh, dear, I’ve been quite a fool. I fell for a dolt!
CROTCHODILE HUNTER
Love me!
They embrace as best they can with their given physical ailments
After all laughter (if there is any) has completely ceased-
WILLIE (from audience)
I have spinal meningitis.
A brief, uncomfortable pause
Lights out
"Buffalo Chips Ahoy!" debuted September 15, 2000.Original Cast:
Betty- Laura Pfeiffer
Dr. O'Squishy- Chris O'Kiishi
Crotchodile Hunter- Mike Cassady
Fledermaus- Neil Campbell
Monte- Chris Shover
Willie- Willie Barbour
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