Spoo Story
By: Aaron Galbraith
LIGHTS UP
(Table with newspaper on it. GENE sits, taking SCOTCHWORTHY’ dictation)
SCOTCHWORTHY
…and hopefully that should clear up any further misunderstandings regarding your client’s unfortunate genital mishap with the central vacuuming system in our factory and our "don’t ask, don’t tell" policy. Any further questions can be addressed to me via email, at cyber perineum at hot preteen porn dot com. Sincerely yours, Bernard P. Scotchworthy. P.S. Have a nice day. Thank you Gene, and could you send in my four-o-clock on your way out?
GENE
Yes Mr. Scotchworthy.
SCOTCHWORTHY
Oh and Gene?
GENE
Yes Mr. Scotchworthy?
SCOTCHWORTHY
Never lose that butt.
GENE
GENE giggles Yes Mr. Scotchworthy.
SCOTCHWORTHY
Ahh, where was I? AXYDLBAAXR is LONGFELLOW…
Enter JAMISON
SCOTCHWORTHY
Jamison you old son of a bitch how the Christ are you, you old labia-hound?
JAMISON
You know me, you old cockgobbler!
SCOTCHWORTHY
What can I do you for today?
JAMISON
I need colostomy bags, Bernie, we’re all out over at the hospital, it’s a livin’ nightmare I’m tellin’ ya!
SCOTCHWORTHY
Well, you certainly came to the right colostomy company! And since you’re a personal friend, howz ‘bout I cut ya a deal. Half a gross for thirteen grand!
JAMISON
Thirteen grand? Think again Papa Smurf! I’ll give you twelve and a nickel for the whole truck.
SCOTCHWORTHY
What are you out of your Satan worshipping mind?
JAMISON
Don’t give me that oddscrod frickus frackus Bernie! Now you know and I know that those bags are just heaps of shit!
SCOTCHWORTHY
Of course! They’re colostomy bags! That’s their purpose!
JAMISON
You know what I mean. You’ve been cuttin’ back haven't ya? Skimmin’ off the top? Slicin’ where it counts? Punchin’ the old navybean cloister to the edge of her antfarm?
Pause
SCOTCHWORTHY
What the hell are you talkin’ about?
JAMISON
I don’t know…but somebody’s takin’ it in the ass for this one, and it sure as strawberry shrimpcake ain’t gonna be me!
SCOTCHWORTHY
Now listen Victor, if there were anything wrong with our colostomy bags my people in quality control would be on top of it pronto.
JAMISON
From what I hear from my people, your people in quality control can’t tell their colostomy bags from a hole in their ass! I wouldn’t be surprised if your whole operation was out of commission by the end of the week!
SCOTCHWORTHY
Tell your people not to hold their breath, Vicky! I been in the shitbag makin’ business too damn long to let some silver-spackled goose & grommet tell me what side of the street my bread is buttered on.
JAMISON
Oh Yeah? Well, your people can go fistfuck themselves after their done kissing my anal hole, and fellating the rest of my executive staff!!!
SCOTCHWORTHY
To hell with you and your perfidious hospital, Jamison. I’m gonna personally see to it that every one of your nurses is infected with chlamydia by the end of the day! Buzzes GENE. Gene, have Buchanan take the company Buick to the Hortence H. Livingston memorial hospital. Code yellow! And get my production manager in here!
pause
AXYDLBAAXR…AXYDLBAAXR…damn!!
SHIRKLEFLUID
You wanted to see me Mr. Scotchworthy?
SCOTCHWORTHY
Shirklefluid, I want you to tell me what the hell’s going on in the colostomy bag production division. I just talked to Victor Jamison who tells me we’re comin’ up short in quality control! Now gimme the lo-down. The whole kit, caboodle, caboose, and kazoo. What’s the scoop? C’mon now, I want it blunt without chocolate, no frosting, no icing. Let me know where you’re at, from A to B. Let’s hear it. I promise I won’t bite.
SHIRKLEFLUID
Well, a few months ago I brought in Simmons from budget management…
SCOTCHWORTHY
Simmons?!?! Jesus Christ in a soft shell taco, Trixy! What the hell’d you do that for?
SHIRKLEFLUID
Well, since he’s been on the project, we have been able to cut costs…
SCOTCHWORTHY
Show’s what you know about economics, pigeon balls! Now that that poptart peddler Simmons has his big schnoz in the ointment, (pounds fist on table on each "down") our profits are going down, down, down!
SHIRKLEFLUID
But sir…
SCOTCHWORTHY
How dare you undermine me?!?! Get the hell out of my orifice! You're through, you hear me? Through! And tell that take-home-enema-kit Simmons that it’ll be raining honey roasted turkey tits in Toledo before either of you come near one of my shitbags ever again! (looks toward GENE) Gene!! Make yourself useful, for Pete’s sack! Come in here and sing Ms. Shirklefluid a goodbye lullaby!
GENE
(comes in and sings immediately, in a low booming voice)
A dog came in the kitchen
And stole a crust of bread
Then cook up with a ladle
And beat him 'til he was dead
(enter SIMMONS)
SCOTCHWORTHY
Simmons, there you are! Give Gene a piggyback ride up those stairs while I attempt to love and befoul Ms. Shirklefluid (goes for SHIRKLEFLUID with tongue flagging out of his mouth)
(JAMISON dives onstage, gets up and tackles SCOTCHWORTHY, strangles him to death)
JAMISON
Put that in your butt and smoke it!
LIGHTS OUT
"Spoo Story" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Spoo Story" debuted April 21, 2000.Original Cast:
Gene-Neil Campbell
Scotchworthy-Brad Smith
Jamison-Mike Cassady
Shirklefluid-Meredith Nepstad
Simmons-Chris O'Kiishi
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