The Story of Cain and Abel. Part One.

Then Adam had intercourse with his wife, and she became pregnant. (ADAM and EVE appear with EVE appearing to be pregnant) But Adam didn’t want any damn children. (ADAM produces a wire coat hanger) He liked it just fine in Eden, when it was only he and Eve. (They argue silently, with EVE pointing at her pregnant stomach and ADAM waving the coat hanger repeatedly and bending it about as if to use it to extinguish the life of his most unwanted child, that will eventually become a cold blooded killer, not worth the sweat and semen it took to create him) Eve had to remind Adam, who had forgotten that they no longer inhabited Eden, but Adam was quick to point out that it was Eve’s stupid bumbling cunt ass that got them kicked out of Eden in the first place. Then Adam made the discovery that neither he nor Eve had belly buttons. Adam and Eve discussed and argued over this point for quite some time before deciding to have the baby. So she bore a son and named him Cain. (CAIN appears between EVE’s legs as narrator makes a popping sound). Later she gave birth to another son, Abel. (ABEL makes similar entrance, as does anyone or anything else that is born throughout the sketch. Exit ADAM and EVE)

Part Two.

Abel became a shepherd, but Cain was a farmer. (enter SHEEP. The SHEEP makes soft "baah-ing" sounds during the following) After some time Cain brought some of his harvest and gave it as an offering to the lord. Then Abel brought the first lamb born to one of his sheep (SHEEP gives birth to LAMB), killed it (ABEL kills the LAMB), and gave the best parts of it as an offering. (ABEL accentuates the LAMB’s tits and ass) Then Abel gave the worst parts of his lamb as an offering, (ABEL now accentuates the face of the LAMB) but the lord declined, as he was still picking the best parts of the lamb out of his teeth. The lord was pleased with Abel and his offering, but he rejected Cain and his offering. Cain became furious and he scowled with anger. (CAIN makes horrible childish frown) Then the lord said to Cain,

Part Three.

Then Cain said to his brother "Let’s go out into the fields". (CAIN gets coat hanger from ADAM offstage, then accompanies ABEL to "the fields" whichever part of the stage they choose to designate that to be) When they were out in the fields, Cain turned on his brother and killed him. (CAIN kills ABEL with the coat hanger) Then the lord said to Cain,

Shit! Now you’ve killed your poor brother.

And I’m not going to give you another!

Thus you’re sentenced to wander,

‘Til you’ve had time to ponder,

How you’ll ever explain this to mother.

Part Four.

The descendants of Cain. Cain and his wife (EVE comes back onstage next to CAIN), who, incidentally, came out of completely fucking nowhere, had a son and named him Enoch (ADAM goes through EVE’s legs). Enoch had a son named Irad (ABEL goes through ADAM’s legs), who was the father of Mehujael (CAIN goes through ABEL’s legs), and Mehujael had a son named Methushael (ADAM goes through CAIN’s legs), who was the father of Lamech (ABEL goes through ADAM’s legs). Lamech had two wives, Adah (SHEEP goes next to ABEL) and Zillah (LAMB goes next to ABEL), who were from the same completely fucking nowhere as Cain’s wife. Adah gave birth to Jabal (CAIN goes through SHEEP’s legs). His brother was Jubal (ADAM goes through SHEEP’s legs). Zillah gave birth to Tubal Cain (ABEL goes through LAMB’s legs). The sister of Tubal Cain was Naamah (EVE goes through LAMB’s legs).

Part Five.

After three days, Cain went to the cave where he had buried Abel’s body (CAIN does so), only to find that Abel had been resurrected. After being resurrected, Abel exited the cave but unfortunately saw his shadow, which led to six more weeks of winter. Cain and Abel eventually kissed and made up (they do so) and joined forces against their parents, who had ultimately screwed them over by getting the whole family kicked out of Eden and thus spoiled their inheritance. So Cain and Abel took the shotguns out of their father Adam’s closet, and mercilessly blew away their parents. They stood trial and were eventually convicted and sentenced to life in prison. Then God said to Cain,

"NOW, what is the problem dear Cain?

Abel’s back but your parents are slain.

Now you’re feet are in chains,

And you’re hooked on cocaine,

Still forever a shame you’ll remain"

"Philadelphobia" debuted March 31, 2000.

Original Cast:
Narrator-Mark Hansen
Adam- Aaron Galbraith
Eve- Chris O'Kiishi
Cain- Neil Campbell
Abel-Mike Cassady
Sheep-Mary Fons
Lamb-Sheila Franklin

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