Pore Jud is Daid
By: Aaron Galbraith
JOHN COUGAR LEMONJELLO
Before I start this sketch, I’d just like to take a moment of silence and dedicate it to three great men in entertainment that passed away this week, Peanuts cartoonist Charles Schultz, Hey Vern, It’s Ernest star Jim Varney, and Late Show host David Letterman, who passed away this morning.
So the other day I went to see my engineering advisor, Steve Collins. Now Steve has been a real prick to me, ever since I came to the University of Iowa. Every time I go in to see him…okay, maybe this story would be better told in the third person. (motions for three narrators)
ARLEN, APRILLE & NICK
(In little or no unison) So the other day Aaron went to see his engineering advisor, Steve Collins. Now Steve has been a real prick to Aaron, ever since he came to the University of Iowa. Every time he goes in to see him…
JOHN COUGAR LEMONJELLO
Okay, that’s enough guys. Let’s just act it out. (enter COLLINS donned in Satan gear, who speaks in the manner of the agent from The Matrix.)
COLLINS
Hello, Aaron. I’m your engineering advisor, Steve Collins. I am also the Lord and Master of all that is purely wicked and evil in the universe, namely the college of engineering. What can I do for you today?
JOHN COUGAR LEMONJELLO
Well I just came to get this add/drop slip signed…
COLLINS
I see. (checking slip) I’ll have my secretary pull your file. Florence, could you bring me the file for Calvin Hall? (Aaron points something out on the slip) Oh, excuse me, Aaron Galbraith. Thanks. (Long, uncomfortable pause)
JOHN COUGAR LEMONJELLO
Nice haircut, professor. (Continue long, uncomfortable pause)
COLLINS
Thanks.
FLORENCE
(Enters with file, making monkey noises) Here you are, master.
COLLINS
Thanks, Florence. That is all. (Exit FLORENCE. COLLINS begins to look through file) Well Mr. Galbraith, it appears to us that you have been living two lives. In one of these lives you’ve been pursuing a career in engineering, and in the other, you’ve been taking sissyfag theatre classes under the alias "Stubble". One of these lives has a future Mr. Galbraith, the other does not. (Slams file shut on "not")
ARLEN, APRILLE & NICK
(Again in little or no unison) Realizing that he was making little progress with Professor Collins, Aaron sought out his Liberal Arts advisor, Andy Tinkham.
TINKHAM
Hi Aaron, my name’s Andy Tinkham, your Liberal arts advisor. I’ve been looking through your file and found something quite interesting. You see here where it shows your high school transcript, (indicating in file, while coming around behind Aaron) it says that you had a few problems getting along with the other students.
JOHN COUGAR LEMONJELLO
I’m sorry where was that?
TINKHAM
Right there (setting the file down on the table, and shoving Aaron forward so he is in prime sodomizing position) see?
JOHN COUGAR LEMONJELLO
Oh, sure, well that was because…
TINKHAM
Right, so (getting up on the table so he is more or less teabagging his neck) what I’m most concerned with is that we here at in the college of Liberal Arts want you to be comfortable with yourself and those around you. We realize the strain that everyday life can put on a college student such as yourself. We all need a little tension release now and then. (With this, he begins massaging Aaron’s neck and various other body parts)
The rest of this script was lost.
Somehow chaos ensued, the three narrators began reading from various sections of the Daily Iowan and the lights went down
"Pore Jud is Daid" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Pore Jud is Daid" debuted February 18, 2000.Original Cast:
John Cougar Lemonjello-Aaron Galbraith
Collins-Dan Brooks
Tinkham-Mark Hansen
Florence-Mike Rothschild
Others-Mike Cassady, Neil Campbell, Aprille Clarke, Nick Clark, Arlen Lawsen
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