(Cyrano enters alone ..LIGHTS and begins monologue.)

CYRANO
What is it about a bright sunny day with the children playing in the park,
and the birds singing their beautiful songs, that makes you want to go get
drunk?  I had just had this inspiration, when I realized that I had
absolutely no money, and no desire to leave my room for a drink.  I
decided to settle for the intoxicating qualities of Iowa City tap water.
I've always loved the way it slides down your throat.  Feeling those
"particles" it's "laced" with tear open your esophagus.  And how you can
feel that cloud of "minerals" you see swirling around in the glass course
through your veins.  It makes me feel as drunk as alcohol makes me feel,
but to drink it I do have to sacrifice my sexual potency.  
As the water went to my head, I realized that I had been at school for a
month, and hadn't said word one to either of my parents.  I felt that this
was an ideal time to write home, now that my inhibitions were down, and
that I would most likely insult my family members and friends to the point
of being banished from my home. But one thing was for damn sure.  Even if
I couldn't say anything nice, I sure as hell wasn't going to say nothing
at all.  As the "minerals" from my tap water high circulated throughout my
body, I began my efforts.
Can I get a narrator please?

(Cyrano sits down and pulls out a paper and a pen
Le Bret enters and reads.)

LE BRET
Dear Mom,

     Hey there, how is it at home?  I've been thinking about calling
you for a couple of weeks, but I was afraid that talking to you might
remind me of all of the parts of you that I've grown to hate these past 18
years.  You always were a vile wretch, just like grandma.  Yeah, you told
me that she was a bitch just because she was old, but I think that it was
more than just her decaying brain talking when she called me "the reason
she attempted suicide."  Well, at least whenever I visit her in that home
you caged her in, I can get some free latex gloves from the supply closet
to use as condoms.

(CRUMPLECRUMPLE)

Dear Mom,

     Hey there, it's your son, Aaron.  How are pappy and sis? I hope
they're not as bad as they were when I left town.   The old man went crazy
with me leaving, due mostly to his alcoholism and his addiction to
pummeling himself in the eyes with a ball-peen hammer.  You know, I've
never really even talked to your husband.  We've never shared any stories,
never had a beer or watched animal pornography together..you know that
standard father-son stuff.  I feel closer to the homeless people living
outside of our garage than I do to him.  Especially the one I call dad.
And of course, sis is the biggest whore this side of the river Jordan.
But I guess that's her business.  And don't ask her about what she really
does when she says she's "volunteering at the Senior Citizens Center",
because she told me never to tell you about it.

(CRUMPLECRUMPLE)


Dear Mom,

     I am really enjoying it here.  I'm meeting new people and learning
new things all the time.  There is a place here called the ped-mall, and
it is the motherland for a tribe we call the ped-mallites.  These people
entertain me endlessly, they're better than television.  Even better than
the soft-core pornography I used to watch on showtime after you were
asleep all those Saturday nights ago.  Ill never forget those moments when
I had to stop masturbating when I heard you stirring in your bed.  I guess
some things will just never be the same.

(CRUMPLECRUMPLE)

Dear Dad,

     Hey...How's mom?  So...how's...your job?  How's your crack habit?
So he he...how bout that sports team that you like?  Still wearing
those...clothes...you have?  And how's that lung cancer?  Emphazima here
we come!  And from there it's only a few more months until I get to read
that will of yours, and collect that money you've been earning at...you
know that place where you...earn money.  You know, it is only now that I
realize how little I've ever talked to you, and how much less I foresee us
talking in the future.  I can't really say that I'm very close to you.
And you don't read me bedtime stories like the homeless men do.  They
really know how to take care of me.  I bet they'd take a bullet for me if
I...you know...shot them.
     But you know dad ..there's something that needs to be said between
us.  Something that I've waited way too long to say, and I feel that now
may be the only chance I have to tell you without that vulture...ummm
mom...listening to every word I say.  It's very important that I tell
you...that...

(CRUMPLECRUMPLE)

Dear Mom,

     Yeah, college is good.  Tell everyone hello, and make sure that
when I come home for Thanksgiving that I get a seat at the adult table.  I
won't sit with those stupid bastard kids anymore, I swear to god I'll tear
their eyes out with my butterknife if...(addlib)

(While Le Bret speaks, Cyrano stops writing, looks at Le Bret, but
he speaks on.  he tries to stop him by tearing the paper in halves, then
by setting it on fire.  All the while Le Bret becomes more and more
agitated, furious at the family that he doesn't know.  Cyrano eventually
is tired of waiting.)

CYRANO
Hey asshole!!

LE BRET
Sorry.

LIGHTS.

"Letters to Mom" or "The Easiest Way to Save a Dollar" debuted September 18, 1998, performed by Aaron Galbraith and Mike Cassady.

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