Lights up.

Bunny Z. Hernandez: Grandpa, I'm having girl troubles.
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: Ah. Menstruating?
Bunny Z. Hernandez: No! Grandpa, I stopped menstruating when I became a vegan and cut iron out of my diet. And plus I'm a boy.
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: Boys don't menstruate. Now stop sobbing or I'll punch this knitting needle through the nape of your neck and flip you around like a Chinese baby on a Jap bayonet. Now here. Let me read you something that should make all this make sense.

Lenin says, "I'll have three crumpets, Mrs. Porcupine."
Stalin replies, "No, I don't think you will."

Bunny Z. Hernandez: Grandpa, I came here for help with girls.
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: Well, you don't see the point of that fable?
Bunny Z. Hernandez: Grandpa, "Baby's First Book of Worker's Fairy Tales" doesn't say anything about girls.
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: Mmmmm. Well, maybe you should give me a bobbypin.
Bunny Z. Hernandez: Grandpa, I think you need help.
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: I think you should give me a fucking bobbypin, you miscreant.
Bunny Z. Hernandez: I don't have a fucking bobbypin.
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: Your grandmother gave me bobbypins. And she wore a lovely chiffon bowler hat.
Bunny Z. Hernandez: Listen, Morty, I'm just calling you Grandpa because you keep insisting. Okay? Now shut up and tell me about girls or I'll slap you in the pants, merit badge or no merit badge.
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: Your grandmother deserved a merit badge. She could make a mean casserole. Out of bobbypins. She took it to the State Fair. Eight dead.
Bunny Z. Hernandez: Do you even know what a bobbypin is, you brittle-boned fuck?
Morty Zo-Dan Periwinkle: Ah, that day in August. I in my pants and corsage, and your grandmother in that bowler hat. And why do you keep bringing that up?
Bunny Z. Hernandez: I'm lonely, Grandpa.

Lights down.
The end

"This Is The Face of Erectile Dysfunction" debuted January 28, 2000, performed by Mike Cassady and James Erwin.

[Back to Library]