"An Evening With No One in Particular" or "This Is the Only Piece I Wrote Tonight That Does Not Contain the Phrase "Violent Bowel Movement"" by Dan Brooks

An Evening With No One in Particular
or
This Is the Only Piece I Wrote Tonight That Does Not Contain the Phrase "Violent Bowel Movement"
by Dan Brooks

"AN EVENING WITH NO ONE IN PARTICULAR" OR "THIS IS THE ONLY PIECE I WROTE TONIGHT THAT DOES NOT CONTAIN THE PHRASE "VIOLENT BOWEL MOVEMENT"" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Dan Brooks
9/4/98
358-5838

An Evening With No One in Particular
or
This Is the Only Piece I Wrote Tonight That Does Not Contain the Phrase
"Violent Bowel Movement"

     Good evening. As a successful professional actor, I have been asked to speak to the graduating class of 1998 about pursuing a career in the theatre. My name is Hudson Bacall. I am named that because my father was the famous actor Rock Hudson and my mother was the famous actress Lauren Bacall. I have come to tell you that you are all doomed. The theatre as I knew it is dead, and the conditions that made me wealthy and popular will never exist again. Who needs theatre in this age of movies, television and the internet? Who in their right mind would pay money to attend the theatre when they could turn on their computer and see a picture of a woman having sex with a horse, or possibly a bicycle pump? No one, that's who. I myself have not been to a play since the original production of Our Town.
     Hello. My name is Dan Brooks. I know that in the past I may have kidded around with you guys, and on occasion I may have even lied to you, told you I loved you, gotten you pregnant, booked a one-way ticket Uruguay, lied about the whole thing during the paternity hearing, and then slapped you in the ass and called you Suzan. But today, I'd like to talk to you about something serious. It's the Kids With a Wish foundation, and I'd like to read you a letter from my Kid With a Wish, Jacob.
     What the shit is this? Okay, these are supposed to be Zoo Animal Crackers. How many times have you seen a duck in the zoo? I mean it's not a big deal, but c'mon, they can do better than that.
     I was successful in the theatre because my parents were famous actors. Are your parents famous actors? I think not. This is why you are doomed. The conditions that caused famous actors to marry will never exist again. Even if they do exist, it will be too late for you because you have already been born. Everyone who has already been born is doomed.
     Jacob's letter is a short one, but it speaks to the heart. It goes like this. "Dear Kids With a Wish foundation. Ever since I was a little boy, I have loved baseball. Before I got sick, my grandfather would take me to Busch stadium to watch the Cardinals play in every home game. Later, after I got sick, he and I would spend every afternoon watching the players from the special Kids With No Legs section. Still later, we would watch from the Kids with No Legs and No Arms section. Later than that, we watched from the Kids With No Legs and No Arms and Empty Sockets Where Their Eyes Used to Be section. Even later than that, we watched from the Kids With No Legs, No Arms, and What Used to Be Empty Sockets Where their Eyes Used to Be But Now Some Guy Put Maraschino Cherries in the Eye Sockets section.
     I mean, it's not like they couldn't think up enough zoo animals for a 24 cookie bag. I can think up 24 zoo animals right now. There's the monkey, elephant, antelope. . .uh. Okay well the point is if you're gonna run a fucking cracker company you should do a little research.
     If you still decide to pursue a career in theatre, do not go to New York City. While in New York, the only job you will be able to find will be as a male prostitue. Even if you are female, you will have to work as a male prostitute. You will sell your body daily in exchange for amphetamines, catering to clients whose tastes cover every orifice of your body, including and especially your ear. Actor's ear is a common malady in New York City. Young people such as yourself ask me about the horrors of actors ear and I say to them, What?
     "Right now, all anyone can talk about in baseball is whether or not Mark Macguire will break Roger Maris' home run record. Everyone wants to be in the stands at the big game when Macguire hits number 62. By that time, I should have enough bone marrow to stand under my own power. As it is, if I tried to go to a baseball game right now, I would wave in the wind like an empty balloon.
     Oh, look, now there's a dog at the zoo. If I went to the zoo and I saw a dog next to the monkeys and the antelopes, I'd ask for my six dollars back. Hell, I'd kick the dog. I'd be like "Give me my six dollars back, and have that zoology intern pull my foot out of this dog's ass."
     In the rare event that you actually are cast in a theatre production, you will from that point onward be doomed. During your first production, your director will cut off your testicles and throw them in a newspaper vending machine so that your have to borrow a quarter to get them out. You will not have a quarter of your own, because you chose a career in theatre.
     "Anyway, my wish is to be there in Busch stadium on the day of Mark Macguire's big game. And just before he hits home run number 62, I would like to meet him. At that time, my wish is to kill Mark Macguire. Sincerely, Jacob Maris."
     It will never, ever happen, but once you establish yourself as a working actor, your true misery will begin. You will be walking down Broadway, compulsively itching your actors ear, when an open festering wound will appear on your shoulder for no discernible reason. Hot, frothy liquid feces will spew from the wound, completely covering several famous drama critics. They will write a score of bad reviews, for example, "Hudson Bacall was exquisite in Macbeth, but no one should go to see him because his festering wound spewed feces on me while I was on the street."
     [Stop. Look at audience.]      Animal cookies, kids with no legs, actors. Animal cookies, kids with no legs, actors. Animal cookies, kids with no legs, actors, stage. Animal cookies, kids with no legs, actors, stage, audience. Animal cookies, kids with no legs, actors, stage, audience, me. Animal cookies, kids with no legs, actors, stage, audience, me, words. Animal cookies, kids with no legs, actors, stage, audience, me words, lights.
[Immediate Blackout.]

"An Evening With No One in Particular" or "This Is the Only Piece I Wrote Tonight That Does Not Contain the Phrase "Violent Bowel Movement"" debuted September 4, 1998, performed by Dan Brooks.

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