No Shame Theatre Archives (2003-2004)

KEY:

Author or (No Shamer) - Title
     (Performers, if known)
     [Description, if any]

1. Numbered entries indicate the piece's position in the order.
   

• Bulleted entries - the exact order is unknown.
  

1. Timm Sitzmann - Jurassic Park 4 OR Alfred Hitchcock's BIRDS: THE PREQUEL

(3 actors talk about how emo they are and how they base their tastes on popular culture; later, they change their tastes based on other standards)

2. Matt Wiegand - Cheetah--a Song

(accompanying himself on the electric guitar, Matt sings a song of involvement with a woman who can never be his own)

3. Michael Tabor - Is Like a Fine Wine

(Michael Tabor does a monologue about Space Jam and its associated hilarity)

4. White Cat & Math Teacher - White Cat & Math Teacher Go to Yellowstone National Park

(WC and MT go around on stage as if in a car, occasionally picking up hitchhikers; "Holiday Road" plays)

5. Sarah Neilson - The Eyes of Inspiration

(artist seeks muse, and muse isn't exactly what artist anticipated)

6. Paul Rust - The Nicene Creed

(people labeled as "Weirdo," "Bitch," and "Asshole" act their stereotypes and refuse to take responsibility)

7. Aprille Clarke - A Precautionary Tale about Silver Dollar Tabor

(Silver Dollar Tabor is a terrible man and his behavior is frequently reinforced)

8. Jonathan Shelton - Apprehensions of a Writer

(writer's block leads to great ideas for a play)

9. Cool Jesse - I'm Doing This for You OR You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings

(A man and woman argue, a phone is a banana, a money says "banana banana banana," a chair is taken away)

10. Li-Li Lorash - Two Men Waiting in Line at Bank

(Man freezes ass off; ass is retrieved)

11. Cassie Gonzales - Marlene Dietrich

(Cassie performs a song in the style of MD, as fake-accompanied by Matt W.)

12. Mark Norris - Milk Is Made Out of Cheese

(Mark goes on a diatribe against 2% milk)

13. Sid Glissen - Kris Kross Pants

(Wearing pants backward is one man's ticket to popularity, but bad hair can spoil even that)

14. Dave Strackany - A Song

(Dave plays an elaborate song on electric guitar and sings)

This was a good show I thought. Thanks to everyone who wrote, performed and showed up to watch. Thanks also to Mr. William for running lights. Pieces kept going out of order but I think this is how it went down:

0. Title? I don't know. This piece suddenly appeared.

(two people in 80s clothes talking on giant cell phones. "Buy buy buy" "Sell sell sell" "Touchdown")

1. Aprille Clarke How to Get Pregnant Using Science

(Lady talks about how the right-wing rligies hate science, but secretly love it on account of all the babies they keep having. Also, how to get pregnant using the science fork, importance of nourishing babies on farts.)

2. Denise Dooley - Accesorization, or, One Ought Thread the Cord of the Computer Mouse Through One's Naval Piercing

(A tall man talks of Robber Baron, inventor of Greyston Dire, while four people sit at a table answering about the coldest they've every been, favorite childhood movie, lease loved country, etc)

3. Shane Simmons and Mark Norris - Rainbow connection from outer space sector Z part 2: a summary

(talk of the gypsies vs. Aryans football game. Two guys write the true story of Rapunzel, end with talk about the 5 simple machines, wedge, pulley, etc)

4. Michele Thompson and Paul Rust - Harold, Henry, Ted, and Paul A Delicious Sketch

(Cramps keeps wakin' up the grandkids to tell them stories that happened to "him" that are actually fairy tales until Dad walks in to recall his days as a Jedi)

5. Cassie Gonzales - Five little cowboys walking down the street

(a woman must put up with touristy city slickers who want to be real cowboys. You ride on top of the horse, nice southwest imagery... pretending we were rulers of the desert people)

6. Timm Sitzmann - Hi, my name is Le Mars, and I'm thiiiiis big.

(10 true stories about the wonderous town of Le Mars, Iowa. Ice Cream Capital of the WORLD, Gehlen Catholic School, Mr. Peder's sexin' a teacher, time and temp and more!)

7. Michael Tabor - Saint Chuckles

(Stand up comedy! It turns out it's Santy Claus! Complaints about lazy elves, modern chimneys and the Easter Bunny)

8. Matt Wiegand - Wesley, Vincent, Robert and Me Sitting around a table in heaven

(Matt asks you to maybe feed him some dinner, then plays a song with an electric guitar)

9. Paul Rust - The 467th Meeting of the Le Mars Optimist Club

(Three guys wanna do something nice for the kids. A rock show? Too loud! Maybe a haunted house with a McDonald's sheet over a TV, and bowls of food)

10. Arlen Lawson - Maisy Dire

(monologue about a woman who fought the good fight helping others but also spit in a dog's eye, burned down a casino, told a child about death and bit her grandson's nose)

11. Brad Hansen - Changing of the Guard

(two Buckingham Palace guards are present, one cannot shut up, the other tries to quiet him but is caught talking by the Queen. She then orders him shot by the other guard but is accidentally shot herself!)

12. Jamal River - Mem Gleen and the 3 Robbers

(Mike Cassady! reads the story of Mem Gleen, a man who knifes many robbers. He is taken to a robber's hideout but is able to kill that old robber, then "helps" other captives to escape by tackling each one and eating them! He then takes the robber's treasure home inside his BUTT)

13. Alyssa Bowman and Jamal River - Jamal and Meschel: Adventure #1

(that crazy pair play the "Ungame" and learns about each other until Mike Cassady! tells them how stupid it is. He then reads some emails sent to Alyssa from her for real Grandma)

1. Timm Sitzmann - Hi, My Name is Iraq or 10 Things I Hate About You
1.5 Brad Hansen - The Society for Fucking Strange Objects
2. Cool Jesse and Valjenna - Randy Noojin's House of Fun and Whimsy OR Get Off the Cross, the Wood is Needed
3. Mark Norris - Six Servings in One Minute Flat
3.5 R.C. Hilarious - Hollywood and Me
4. Al Angel - Beginnings: Chapter 1: Mother Moon
5. Chris Stangl - You Can't Force People to Love You
6. Sarah Neilson - Kudzu
6.5 White Cat and Math Teacher - His and Hers brought to you
7. Stephen Ptacek - Whatever Doesn't Make Sense Lately
8. Matt Wiegand - Neurosis
9. Jon Shelton - A Male's View of the Mulva or A Very Seinfeld Christmas
10. Sid Glissen - The Adventures of Bud and Tommy in "Hey, That's My Joke"
11. Christy Brown-Kwaiser - My Fish Tail
12. Alyssa Bowman and Jamal River - Jamal & Meschel Adventure #2: People Are Funny
13. Paul Rust - My Mom's Name is Jeanne
14. Cassie Gonzales - I Hate You!
15. Jamal River - Can't Remember What You Said About the Ad, Please Call
16. Michael Cassady and Paul Rust - A Day for Lovers
17. Aprille Clarke and Michael Tabor - Attack of the Hopeless Romantic

1 Steve Ptacek - Bodies Bodies Bodies
2 Matthew Sullivan Wiegand - Midnight Surfing/Vacation
3 Arlen Lawson - Transformation
4 Hayden Taylor - War and Peace: Target Versus Walmart
4.5 Timm Sitzmann - Drew Carrey Has a Bloody Nose
5 Brad Hansen - John Williams can score me any day
6 Mark Norris - The greatest inventionatorial mind in the world
7 King Toad - Unnatural
8 Al Angel - Beginnings/Chapter 3/The Earth and Her Children
9 Donald Whalen - Donald Whalen Does a Magic Routine
10 Aprille Clarke - How I Fell in Love with Science
11 Sid Glissen - The Adventures of Bud and Tommy in "A Cell Phone Ring Dictates a Personality"
12 Cosmic Squirrel Frenzy - Buddy Rabbit OR Travis, Quit Playing that Damn Kazoo OR Yes, Virginia, Masturbation is a sin OR It's Like That Robot on That Show
13 Cassie Gonzales - Confessions
14 Alyssa Bowman and Jamal River - Jamal & Meschel Part 3: Tastes Like Good to ME
15 the Olsen Twins - Le Miroir

1. William Callahan - Bill's Dad is Dead

(William and Bill sing a song with guitar and cooking pot about alcoholism and death)

2. Adam Hahn - Kaleidoscope

(Chucky Cheese employee disillusioned about the shitty prizes kids save up tickets to obtain)

3. Whitney Ringen - Adeline Smiled

(monologue about a greyscale cutout of a woman in an attic)

4. Matt Wiegand - A song

(elaborate piano piece accompanied by lyrics about a first date)

4.5. White Cat and Math Teacher - Dear God, It's Me, Liam

(Liam Neeson loves Michele and his musical diary proves it)

5. Sid Glissen - The Adventures of Bud and Tommy

(Bud's first date gets a little help--some useful and some not--from the Holy Ghost)

6. Cassie Gonzales - Your Face Is So Funny I Point and Laugh at You

(Cassie, warming up to sing a bluegrass ballad, gets booed off the stage)

7. Aprille Clarke - Mother and Child Reunited through Violence

(Mother loves boxing, is reluctant when child begins living the dream)

8. Irene Jagla - Katya's Bathroom

(woman does backbend, sings a capella song)

9. Paul Rust - They Shoot No Shame Regulars, Don't They?

(Paul emerges triumphant from a marathon of No Shame sketch pitches; can't stop)

9.5 Nick Clark - Why I Don't Like Homophobia

(two men agree to both watch where they're going)

10. Al Angel - Beginnings: Chapter 5--The Lizard and the Snake

(One lizard tricks another, becomes ruler; second lizard forfeits legs to become snake)

11. Alyssa Bowman and Jamal River - Jamal and Meschel in _Tom Hanks Island_

(Jamal and Meschel talk about that movie _Tom Hanks_ island, and Jamal sings a song about it)

12. Jamie Margolin - Jewish Afro

(Jamie dreams of having hair like blond, straight-haired Richie, but curly-headed Mario is more realistic)

13. Brad Hansen - God in College

(God has a regrettable hook-up with Mary and is goaded by his roommate, Satan)

14. Rebound Thursday - 6-11 a Day

(a song criticizing the Atkins Diet, extolling the virtues of carbohydrates)

15. Sean Shatto - An Exercise in Awkwardness!?

(song about springtime)

16. Arlen Lawson - Direct Address: A Hate Poem

(a hateful poem directed at us, the audience)

.5 Rebound Thursday - Pie on Bush Action
1. Brad Hansen - Birthday Sonnet
2. Dirty Sixty - The Sunport
3. Paul Rust - Time Capsule Follies
4. Cassie Gonzales - A Letter for the Last Day
5. Matt Wiegand - Air Force Won
6. Adam Hahn - Altar Boy
6.5 Kurt Meyermann and Nick Tygers - Soylent Duct Tape is Made Out of Ducks, IT'S MADE OUT OF DUCKS!
7. King Toad - Flies
8. Mark Norris and Paul Rust - Li'l Foodies
9. Alyssa Bowman - Jamal & Meschel Take 5
10. Timm Sitzmann - Exocannibalism: literally and figuratively OR Forget Atkins, I eat people.
11. Al Angel - Robots are Nihilists, Robots are Fun
12. Dave Strackany - This Buzzing
13. White Cat and Math Teacher - Catch That Ghost
14. Cool Jesse - In Invitation and Explanation or Have It
15. Aprille Clarke - A Collection of Found Literature assembled

1) As High As You Can Dream
by Michael Dhar
Michael's girlfriend's dad is obsessed wth fit glutes, etc, teaches Mike to be the same.

2) On My Honors
by Mark Norris
3 friends explore an unfinished university building.

3) Jungian Shipwreck, a song
by Arlen Lawson
A song about dying

4) Whens We Gettin That Cake?
by Seth Brenneman
Beekeeper & grandson must defend the hives at all cost.

4.5) Point 5
by Tim (Sitzmann)
Tim finds "piece" in the Middle East. ...A puzzle piece, I mean!

5) Failing
performed by Matt Hare... written by...?
A very difficult musical score that practically guarantees failure.

6) Jamal & Meschel: Where In The World Is Meschel? Ireland!
by Alyssa Bowman & Jamal River
Jamal is so bummed out that Meschel is gone. Some dude shows up, but is generally regarded as a totally inadequate replacement.

7) Barbie Biography
by Whitney
It is a bleak affair to be Barbie.

8) Cultural Metamorphoses
by Abby Ashford-Grooms & Hayden Taylor
Mother & son talk about Irish-American history; mother hates the Irish. Mother & son eat dumplings and are mysteriously transformed into Irish-folk.

8.5) Where Do White Cats Come From?
by Math Teacher
White Cat sailed across the Iowa River, was treated to "a saucer of milk as far as the eye can see."

9) The Adventures of Bud & Tommy in: "Zombies Don't Exist, Bud"
by Sid Glissen
Bud is freaked out by a zombie movie, mistakenly pummels friends. Soon zombies come for real.

10) Puente Hills
by Paul Rust
2 young friends are waiting for the time machine from Back To the Future to show up in the mall parking lot. Their conversation informs us that they are clearly growing apart.

11) Beginnings, Chapter 9: The Feather & the Flower
by Al Angel
The crow used to be colorful & stuck up. Now he's not.

12) God, You Are Sooooooooooooo Whipped
by Rebound Thursday
Man is 1st "pussy whipped", then "prison-inmate-who-is-going-to-rape-him" whipped.

13) Smart-Ass Man
by Jamal River
Man be's a smart-ass. Piece is then critiqued.

14) For Spalding Gray
by Cassie Gonzales
Spalding Gray-inspired prose.

15) Wichito
by Dave Strackney
A song. NOT pronounced Witchie-toe.

16) The Splendorific Album
by Brad Hansen
4 different songs are played at once, to make a mega-super song. The result sounded precisely like Gary Glitter. Down to the note. Spooky.

1. The Red Book
by Brad Hansen
Two guys fight over the last book ending in physical violence.

1.5 You Scream
by Michael Tabor
"Ice cream palace" "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was calling the ice cream place." "We're AN ice cream place."

2. To Blank or not to Blank
by Kearn Kirkwood
Audience participation Mad Lib done to Shakespeare.

3. The Dirtiest Word in the World (Dickshit)
by Michael Dhar
A family is corrupted by dickshit. Boobcrap is worse.

4. Good Water
by Jonathan Shelton
A guy drinks water and enjoys it, talks about the new axis of evil, Martha Stewart, Oprah and Disney.

4.5 April Fool's was Yesterday. POW!
by Mark Norris
A man is tricked into thinking his shoe is untied, punches the trickster.

5. Wet Front Lawn, A Song
by Arlen Lawson
"This is a song about dying" with guitar and vocals.

5.5 The Adventures of Bud & Tommy in "Bud, when will you ever learn?"
by Sid Glissen
"When I say Bud, you say Tommy. Bud.." "Tommy"

6. Love Born on the No-Shame Stage
by Patrick Ashcraft
"Sid" reveals his love for "Cassie" who did not write a piece about pigs walking backwards.

7. Third Grade Lessons
by Cassie Gonzales
Talk of intoxication, multiplication learned in the third grade aids in finding total minutes of chain smoking.

8. Jamal & Meschel Meet Again
by Alyssa Bowman and Jamal River
Meschel has returned from a trip but for some reason is now Bill McKenna and is renamed Shebby BigButt.

9.5 Dinosaur Falls In Love
by James Farley
A sticks routine is performed followed by dancing.

10. No name and no title was on this piece.
A guy has joined a religion which his dad views as a cult.

11. Guess where I was tonight. Fuck you!
by Cool Jesse
He was at Weird Al ok?

12. Pre-emptive Booing
by Sean Shatto
Ad-libbed song with guitar. "We're in an ugly mood".

13. GEORGE BUSH?? MORE LIKE GEORGE TUSH!
by Timm Sitzmann
Ku Klux Klan meeting is called to order, "Jesus is a zombie! Run!" Gay marriage makes the polar ice caps melt.

14. Two-Ton Garden
by Paul Rust
Guy talks to girl on the phone, distracted by "Mama's Family", wants to attend wake to flirt with a high school crush.

15. Painting at No Shame
by Steve Ptacek
A "painting" is made of Michael Tabor eating the baby Jesus.

1. Ghost Ship by Angry Lemon

(Al on solo acoustic guitar with vocals)

2. Love in the Time of Congestion by Aprille Clarke

(snot girl and shrimp boy mock the dead, kiss)

3. Shotgun by Nate Collins and Brad Hansen

(two men race with pants around their ankles to get shotgun for the car ride, only to discover than an equally ankle-panted man has already claimed the seat!!)

4. The Best Friends Triology Pt. 3: Friends are Like Shoes by Emily Yoshida

(Emily and Anne S. exchange quips about the similarity between friends and shoes)

5. Joke and Trick by Boney Macaroni, Math Teacher, and Egg Yolk

(Michele teaches us a lesson about tricks, and is tricked herself by a whoopee cushion--or is she?)

6. Fishsticks and Lemonade: a Tale of Marshal Kelly by Tim Minear

(This was about a boy who loved fishsticks and lemonade. It was in three acts starring Mr. S. Heuertz and Dr. P. Rust. To set the record straight, sometimes Malvert pee red.)

7. Robots Asking Each Other Questions by Mike Dhar

(Robots fulfill contract implied by title; they dance)

8. I mean Eight Point Five--Wait No It's Number Fifteen--I'm sorry, This Really Isn't a Piece--Just Kidding It Is --Ha Ha I Messed with the Order by Myrtle the Barnlicker a.k.a. Yes, the Myrtle who licks barns

(three friends remind each other of the terrible things they have done in their lives spanning, evidentally, the entire history of the universe.)

9. Orange Horizon that I Pursue by Brad Hansen

(live poetry performance by Brad)

9.5. Seth! Did you Record a Baby Sound on my Cat Sounds Album? by Seth Brenneman and William Callahan

(Seth, Jamal, and William stand on stage while we listen to cat sounds, waiting for there to be a baby sound)

10. Seizures! Seizures! Seizures! by Patrick Ashcraft

(Jennifer has seizures, which almost ruins her love live, but it turns out that seizures are A-OK)

11. Not So Fast! by Stevo Ptacked

(two men trick each other and point guns at each other to try and claim a sack of turkish lira, only to be apprehended by the FBI. lots of gun pulling and gun dropping.)

12. The Zany Antics of Dot and Tammy by Raggie Mice

(Three cool young women lovingly mock their hopelessly uncool friend; are interrupted by the following piece)

13. The Adventures of Bud and Tommy, in You Can Toast Four Bagels at One Time by Sid Glissen

(A hopelessly uncool young man thinks microwaves are a quick route to cho-cha; he's wrong. The previous cast reenters for a group bow)

14. Jamal & Meschel Meet Again II by Alyssa Bowman and Jamal River

(Meschel is back from vacation, but Jamal doesn't remember him. We meet Shebby BigButt)

15. Cops Get File of Murder by Paul Rust

(Exerpts from several films of Paul Rust's oeuvre, 1990-1991: a mismatched buddy film, a future war adventure, and a serious father/son piece)

16. Giant Fight Win Battle Go Rollerskate by Blobby Elvers and Mlark Norrlis

(A very aggressive game of Guess Who is played)

1. Don't Get Mad, Get Glad by Timm Sitzmann

(dueling diets, jokes about oil aren't funny, Paul wears California raisin head)

2. In Another Town by Jeff Guentert

(a capella song)

2.5. April is Rape Awareness Month by Sadie Smith

(Michael Tabor spills the dinosaurs)

3. Whimsical Tales from Lunchberg by Silver Dollar Tabor

(three adventurers reminsce)

4. Autopsy Turvy by Oh, Astronaut

(Whitney on guitar and vocals)

5. Affe el Mono y Yo by Caleb Brown

(multi-instrumental and chanting performance)

6. If you Thought This was Botox by Christy Brown- Kwaiser

(Christy on guitar and vocals)

7. The Sad Story of a Bumblebee by Aprille Clarke

(Aprille does stuff to bumblebee, Jamal is not proud)

8. The Appendix by Donald Trump

(parody of Desperado, based on reality TV player)

9. The Sidewalk Street Vendor by Brad Hansen

(Brad gets more than he bargained for when he orders a gy-ro)

10. Beginnings Ch. 13: Exiled into the Cold by Al Angel

(the story of how winter began and how humans lost touch with other animals)

11. Third Degree Birds by Paul Rust

(Paul on guitar and vocals)

12. How to Give a Compliment by Michael Dhar

(Mike coaches others on compliment-giving techniques, which gets them out of jams)

On April twenty-three twothousandandfour, there was an order for No Shame Theatre. It was entitled How to Give an Oscar Winning Performance While in the Can, and it went a li'l something like this:

One. Master Equals the Square Root of Math Teacher
Two. The King's Decree by Timm Sitzmann
Three. Losing Weight the Simple, Effortless Way by Hayden Taylor
Four. Like Still Icycles (sic): a song not about dying by Arlen Lawson
Five. You, Madam, Are Hot Shit by Paul Rust
Six. Mind Warp OR Tremendous Punctuality in the Face of Something Awful OR Burn as You Will by Cool Jesse
Seven. Road Kill by Jeff Guentert
Eight. Ketchup and Mustard by Michael Dhar
Nine. Art by Brian Lenth and Jake Gontero
Ten. White Rabbit for the Middle-Aged Boomer by Grace Slick
Eleven. What Would Jesus Douche by Carl2, Max1, Mike3
Twelve. When I Get Back to Old Kentucky by Matt Weigand
Thirteen. The Great Pee Friendship by Aprille Clarke
Fourteen. Jamal and Meschel Aren't Funny Anymore by Jamal River and Alyssa Bowman
Fifteen. Beginnings - final chapter - The End by Al Angel

1. Jewj and the Tiger with the Head Made of Lightning by Seth Brenneman
2. Grandpa Is Afraid of Empty Graves by Michele Thompson
3. How the President Is REALLLLY Elected by Timm Sitzmann
4. A Bit Rusty OR A Rusty Bit by Brad Hansen
5. How Butterflies Got Their Wings by Jeff Guentert
6. Like a Bunny by Whitney and Ryan
7. Paul Rust is Hot!! by Michael Dhar
8. Paul Rust Displays his Thirst for Academic Knowledge and his Nose for Humanitarian Aid by Dick Roberts
9. The Inevitable Love of Theresa and Miguel by Aprille Clarke
10. We Have a History by Sarah Neilson
11. Sexy Hot Myserious: A Monologue About How I am Michael Tabor by Michael Tabor
12. The Antidote for Mad Science IS Happy Coincidence by Cassie Gonzales
13. The Wall Came A-Tumbling Down by Brian Lenth
14. Jamal and Meschel Signing Off by Alyssa Bowman and Jamal River
15. Mazor--The Little Dorm that Could by Sid Glissen
16. Baseball Season by Tim Labath
17. His Last No Shame Piece Ever by Spencer Griffin
18. Good News About Being Alive--A Distillation of Paul Rust OR Wake Up and Have Sex with the Morning: The True Paul Rust Story by Arlen Lawson
19. Paul Rust's Last-Ever Piece by Paul Rust by Jamal River
20. Mickey Johnson's Band by Matt Wiegand
21. Don't Stop or We'll Die by Paul Rust

1. The Adventures of Bud & Tommy in: "Zombies Don't Exist, Bud" by Sid Glissen

2. First Date by Matt Wiegand (with backup dancers)

3. How to Give a Compliment by Michael Dhar

4. Marlene Dietrich by Cassie Gonzales

4.5 Shotgun by Nate Collins & Brad Hansen

5. Art by Brian Lenth & Jake Gontero 

6. Jewish Afro by Jamie Margolin

7. Hi, my name is Le Mars, and I'm thiiiiis big. by Timm Sitzmann

7.5 You Scream by Michael Tabor

8. Like Still Icicles by Arlen Lawson

9. A Male's View of the Mulva or A Very Seinfeld
Christmas by Jon Shelton

10. The White Stones of Antarctica by Jamal River

11. Giant Fight Win Battle Go Rollerskate by Blobby 
Elvers and Mlark Norrlis

12. Bill's Dad is Dead by William Callahan

12.5 April is Rape Awareness Month by Sadie Smith

13. Love in the Time of Congestion by Aprille Clarke

14. A Made Up Song by Sean Shatto

14.5 Where Do White Cats Come From? by Math Teacher

15. Jamal & Meschel: Adventure #1 by Alyssa Bowman
and Jamal River

16. Music is Like Painting: The commodification of 
ethereal being by Angry "Al Angel IS a moon" Lemon

17. They Shoot No Shame Regulars, Don't They? by Paul
Rust

Come to Best of No Shame! Next Friday, May 7, 11 p.m.
Bring $2 on account of how it's twice as good as regular! Bring your friends.

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