The Worst You Ever Bombed

by Rev. Chris Stangl on June 07, 2003 at 14:49:53:

You know how sometimes you do a No Shame, and the people? They HATE what you did. They don't laugh if it was funny or they don't cry if it was sad... instead they laughed at your sad and cried at your funny!!!! Okay. It's when you fail. Here are my top five. Maybe you remember how you hated me these nights:

5. September 3, 1999: "You Got Peanut Butter in my Vagina! You Got Vagina in My Peanut Butter! Magical Theatre": First night of the new season, I had become obsessed with the challenge "Can I write a deep-sea diving comedy skit AND a poignant character monologue in the same piece?" No, you can't, buster. The people have NEVER liked my deep-sea diving pieces.

4. November 30, 2001: "Make This Man Walk": I do this cool poem about Frankenstein. Except I'm hitting this pot-lid, and saying the poem, but I am dying of strep throat or something. And I can barely speak, and my ears are clogged with pus, so I can't hear to keep a beat. Worse than usual even. No one is entertained.

3. October 13, 2000: "The Monster's Head": so I tell a part-fabricated history story about a Oliver Cromwell's head. There's, like, three narrative strands, and it moves in a cycle, and it's an epic meditation on death and fate. ...And fifteen minutes long! The people are flappygasted with boredom and anger!

2. December 1, 2000: "The Dead and the Weak": The Most Forgettable Character Monologue Of All Time. This mortician? He's a jerk and does weird stuff to a corpse! That doesn't sound boring to me, motherfucker. Well, that may be, but for some reason, you didn't like to hear him talk so much. You don't remember this.

1. February 23, 2001: "The Graverobbing Lesson":
You guys didn't laugh at a SINGLE JOKE. This cemetery caretaker is telling a 3rd grade field trip the history of graverobbers. But you guys... you didn't laugh about it. Once. For five minutes did I try. I had a lot of fun.

rev. CHRIS STANGL, drum majorette.